


Born to be Yours

by kingoriginal, Vearth



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: First Time, Fluff, M/M, jalec - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 16:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12324843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingoriginal/pseuds/kingoriginal, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vearth/pseuds/Vearth
Summary: A night of excessive partying and illicit Seelie drugs leads to some memory problems and unintentional confessions.





	Born to be Yours

**Author's Note:**

> This collaborative piece was written for the lovely otpjalec (tumblr) as a birthday present! It's meant as an apology for the pain and angst (and the depraved kinks) we put you through on a daily basis. We love you very much and wish you a wonderful birthday! <3  
> M & A

“I can't get it out of my head.”

That’s what Jace said once he finally cornered Alec after almost a week of stolen glances and being completely and utterly _avoided_ by his parabatai. Forget about _giving it time_ , this conversation was something they both needed and leaving it to Alec would be the same as burying it _forever_. For all his skills in avoiding his problems and pretending they weren’t a thing, Jace was nothing more than an amateur compared to one Alexander Lightwood whenever the man put his mind to it.

“Get what out of your head?” Alec asked, simply proving Jace’s point when it came to ignoring things. If there was one thing he was sure of it was that they both knew exactly what he was talking about.

Still, he clarified.

“That night. All the things I don't remember, _ironically_.”

Alec’s paling face confirmed that he knew exactly what night Jace was referring to; **it** being the morning they had woken up half-dressed in _each other’s_ beds with no recollection from ever coming back from the party they had been to the night before. Their memories were a hazy mist, but there was no ignoring the purplish bruise of hickeys all over Jace’s neck, or Alec’s vague recollection of _kissing_ someone. In the end, it didn’t matter that they couldn’t remember much, because Izzy certainly could. She told Jace in worryingly precise terms that _Alec_ was the one responsible for the mess on his neck, and if he thought that was bad: _You should see_ him _without his shirt on_.

He did see Alec without a shirt not long after that, and the multitude of slowly healing hickeys all over his parabatai’s collarbone and shoulders proved Isabelle’s point. Jace vaguely remembered complaining about how tall Alec was - hardly the first time it happened - but what he had forgotten was the way Alec had hoisted him up by his thighs in response, pushing in between his legs and using the wall behind them as leverage to hold Jace at his eye level. _Problem solved_.

Except, that was exactly how their problems had _begun_.

 

 _Forget about it_. It was all Alec kept saying, (whenever he would dare speak to Jace, that was), but Jace was having none of it. He didn’t want to forget about it, he wanted to remember.

“We weren’t really ourselves,” Alec spoke with a determination he did not feel. He didn’t exactly expect Jace to talk back.

“Weren’t we?” Jace said, blocking Alec’s passage and by all means forcing him to stand there and have this conversation with him. “Maybe we wanted to do it and were out of it enough to just do it,” he reasoned, “Despite the law and whatever else was holding us _back_.”

Jace used the word ‘us’, but Alec couldn’t help feeling like his parabatai was talking about _him_ , his deer-in-the-headlights look only making his surprise more obvious as his mind raced through the few things he _did_ remember. They had kissed, there was no denying that, more than that they had _made out_ (hickeys and bruised lips considered), and while Alec wished he could remember what kissing Jace had felt like now that the deed was done, he couldn’t remember it, same as he couldn’t remember saying _anything_ , let alone talking about his feelings.  

“I- I didn't.. ” he stuttered, but there really was only one way of knowing for sure. “Did I say something?” Alec asked after a lingering moment of hesitation. “Do you remember?”  
Jace _didn’t_ , but the way Alec spoke about it, the way he _stuttered_ as he asked made Jace sure that there was something his parabatai wasn’t telling him, something Alec was hiding, and it made him itch to figure it out. A frown creased his brown, arms crossed over his chest as he looked up to his parabatai and _lied_.

“...yeah, I remember.”

  
Of all the times for Jace to be perceptive. Alec gaped, at a loss for something to say, for how to _react_ – He wanted to say he was sorry without even knowing exactly what he would be apologizing for, but they had gone to a party and, Seelie drugs or not, Alec had lost control; he had lost it and now Jace _knew_.  

“Are you mad at me?” Alec asked before the silence between them became too much. “I mean, you have every right to be.. ”

But Jace didn’t let him finish.

“Why do you think that?” he wanted to know, “What do you think I'm mad about?”

 _Everything_. How could Alec even put it into words? All his struggle, and those years repressing himself, they amounted to nothing when all it took was one night for his resolve to crumble. It couldn’t even be called a mistake, not when it was so much more, a succession of mistakes that had begun the moment he had first looked at Jace Wayland several years ago and felt his heart constrict painfully inside his chest.

“Me kissing you? My feelings? I never meant for them to come out like this, I swear. I don't know what happened at that party, but I would never have done something about it if I had the choice, you have got to believe me.”

 

           Jace looked _shocked_ , surprise written all over his face. It felt like it was his turn to see how far his eyes could widen, as if they were having a contest on the matter. Alec went pale, every bit of color on his already pale cheeks leaving him at once. His throat went dry as if he’d eaten sand, a sudden feeling of dread hitting him like a fist in the stomach.

“Please tell me that this is what you were talking about,” he said quietly, almost certain that he’d just dug his own grave. Jace had admitted to remembering something, but not to remembering _that_. Why hadn’t he just let him elaborate before blabbing on?

But Jace, noticing his parabatai’s rising panic, nodded quickly. “Y-yes! Uh, yes. It was,” he said, barely convincing himself with the lie. He lowered his gaze and cleared his throat, avoiding eye contact.

Alec wasn’t convinced either as was evident in his stricken expression.

“I– have to go.”

He was already moving in the direction of the door when Jace stepped in his way.

“No, don’t! Please!”

Alec froze, a worried frown forming on his face. He wasn’t ready to listen to this, wasn’t ready to hear rejection from Jace’s lips, he thought, panic making him nauseous.

“I’d be stupid for getting mad about being loved, wouldn’t I?” Jace tried, not moving an inch out of the way.

“Don’t,” he cautioned, his voice breaking a little “Don’t do that. Don’t try to reason it out when we both know what I just said and what it means.”

“Alec..” Jace’s expression softened and he reached up to cup Alec’s face in his hands. “Parabatai. I am lucky and I am grateful for any kind of affection I get from you.”

Alec closed his eyes, just for a moment, his heart beating painfully hard in his chest. Of course Jace was perfectly sweet about this, of course he said just the right thing. He was a fool to expect anything else from someone like his parabatai, and still, “It’s wrong, Jace.. ” he whispered, swallowing hard.

Jace shook his head in response. “It’s not wrong,” he said, certainty coloring his tone as his thumb caressed the high point of Alec’s cheek. “It can’t be wrong if your heart is in it. We swore an oath to be together always. You just took it a step further.. My soul is already yours.”

 

Alec’s expression became pained, Jace’s words both soothing and _crushing_. “It was before the oath,” he admitted in a whisper. Since he was already confessing his sins, why not take it a step further and confess them all?

“It’s why I told you that I had to think about it.”

Jace looked taken aback. “You.. You loved me and still became my parabatai? Why? Why didn’t you say anything?”

Alec let out a small sigh. Even though he had always feared that this conversation would happen someday he had never been able to stomach actually sitting down and thinking about putting his feelings into proper arguments. His thoughts were an anxious jumbled mess, and that’s exactly how it came out.

“Because I knew it could never be, it can’t..” he started, finding some grim relief in finally speaking his mind nonetheless. “And I could find someone else to be content with, I could find a boyfriend or something, but I would never find someone else like you, someone I would bind my soul to.”

Thinking about it Alec was reminded of the conversation he’d had with Isabelle all those years ago, the one other time he had gotten anywhere close to being open about his feelings for Jace. He remembered what Izzy had said then, realizing he was mostly repeating her reasoning on the matter, the fact that he would never find someone like Jace ever again. The other reason he had wasn’t something he thought Jace would like to hear. _Because you_ _needed me_ , he only dared adding it in thought.

 

Meanwhile Jace’s heart sunk to his stomach. “So you chose me making you unhappy for ten years?” he asked.

“That’s not how it is, Jace,” Alec protested. “You could never make me unhappy.” He didn’t really need anyone else for that, perfectly capable of making himself miserable on his own, but this? Making Jace sad was never Alec’s intention, and right then his parabatai looked crushed.

Jace had never been great at hiding his emotions and neither was he now, when sadness and guilt and happiness were choking him all at once. In all his life nobody had ever said something like this to him, or loved him as much. And of course it was _Alec_ who did. It was always Alec, always had been Alec. He was his soul, his other half; it was Alec who made him be _good_. And before he knew it he had taken a step closer and pushed himself up on the tips of his toes to kiss Alec full on the lips.

 

It was the last thing Alec expected and for a moment he just stood there, stunned and wide-eyed, before softly kissing back just as Jace pulled away.

He licked his lips nervously as they were freed. “Should I ask what that was for?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about it because I wanted to _remember_ what it felt like,” Jace whispered, his lips still close to Alec’s as he looked up at him through his lashes. Alec’s heart beat faster, the painful knot in his stomach loosening. “What does it feel like?” he asked, hope resounding in his voice despite it all.

“It feels right,” Jace replied with such confidence that Alec knew without a doubt he was being honest about it.

“We can’t..” Alec objected but his heart was hardly in it. If a few minutes ago it had felt like his worst nightmare come to life, now he felt like he was dreaming a sweet daydream, Jace’s smile something straight out of his fantasies.

“Alec, I don’t want to make you unhappy for a single day longer.”

But they couldn’t, Alec had to remind himself, “It’s not something that can happen. This– ” He licked his lips, still tasting Jace on them and ending up with a weak sigh “We’d be breaking the law.”

“We’re breaking or bending the law all the time,” Jace argued.

“But not like this.” What they did were small misdemeanors, challenging authority and overlooking a few rules in order to complete their missions. _This?_ “They would separate us if they ever found out.”

They would be punished, stripped of their runes and banished. They would lose their careers, their status, and their homes. Alec thought he could live with all of that, but losing Jace? That would destroy him. Jace, in turn, looked about as upset as Alec felt. “But this is how we feel,” he whispered under his breath.

Alec straightened his shoulders, fighting not to let the obvious pain on Jace’s face affect him so much. It hurt him to say it, but “The law is hard– ” He couldn’t even finish the sentence.

“Fuck the law,” Jace decided for them, grabbing Alec by the front of his shirt and tugging him down into another kiss. This time Alec kissed him right back, meeting Jace halfway unhindered by second guessing or surprise. There was an undeniable hunger to his kiss, like he’d been waiting for it. Alec wanted to remember too, that night, their kisses, and if this didn’t kickstart their memory, then they would just have to make some new ones of their own.

They kissed like nothing else mattered to them in that moment, like they wanted it to last forever because just the thought of being parted hurt. Regret weighted down Jace’s heart; regret over things he wanted and never even knew, but they weren’t important now. Not when he was holding on to Alec and kissing him like his life depended on it, with a hint of despair in every touch of their lips.

Meanwhile, if kissing Jace at the club had felt anything like this, Alec could understand why he had done it again and again. It felt like the rightest thing in the world and he nearly whimpered into the slant of their lips, tasting Jace’s tongue as he pressed him back against the wall behind him. They kissed until they were both breathless, Jace’s body flaring up with feelings he’d never experienced before and he clung to Alec, holding him close. “Alec..”

Alec’s hands held on to Jace’s hips in turn, his breath unsteady as he pressed their foreheads together. “Tell me I didn’t make a mistake,” he whispered. Jace’s answering smile something he could _feel_ as it nearly touched his lips.

“You didn’t.. Or we made it together.”

Alec closed his eyes, his arms wrapping around Jace’s middle. “It feels so right– ” Being Jace’s parabatai was something he had gotten used to long ago, something he was born to do, something he was good at; it was only now Alec began to think maybe he had been born to love him as well. It sounded kind of cheesy, even in his thoughts, but it was simply the truth. He couldn’t imagine a life without Jace, without looking out for him or caring about him, and now that he knew what kissing and holding him felt like Alec couldn’t imagine a life without that either.

 

“I want you,” Jace said, interrupting his train of thought.

Those three little words made Alec shudder, suddenly feeling warm all over. “Jace..” But he didn’t get to finish what he wanted to say, cut off by Jace’s lips covering his own once more, less fiery and desperate than before but slow and sensual. Alec was weak for it, _so weak_ , same as he was helpless not to follow Jace’s lead.

Jace’s hands curled around Alec’s neck, keeping him close, their tongues brushing together as Alec explored his mouth with a different kind of urgency from before. Alec wanted to go on forever, to never let go of Jace again, but he suddenly and painfully became aware of what they were doing and _where they were doing it_ : in the middle of one of the Institute’s many hallways. Someone could walk in on them any minute.

“We shouldn’t be here..” he whispered against Jace’s lips, not letting go of him by any means. “Anyone can see us here. We can’t.. We have to be careful.” His worry was still there, his concern with the rules, but Alec couldn’t even tell when he had stopped arguing they shouldn’t do this and began thinking of ways they could _hide_.

When Jace pulled away, it was not without effort. He leaned his head back against the wall, breathing heavily, his voice raspy as he spoke, “We should probably stop.”

Alec knew he was right but that didn’t keep him from wanting the total opposite. They had broken their kiss less than a second ago and he already missed the feeling of Jace’s lips against his. But Jace was still right, and this wasn’t the place or the time for it. “Tonight,” Jace whispered, both hope and promise underlying in his tone. It sent shivers running down Alec’s spine and he nodded.

“Tonight, then.”

 

* * *

 

 They met later in Jace’s bedroom, nervous energy coursing through their veins just beneath the skin. Both of them had been there before, but it simply wasn’t the same, no matter how many times they’ve seen each other in various states of undress, just thinking about it now made them tense – or blushing in Alec’s case. For all his talk of being no blushing virgin he certainly flustered like one.

“Are you nervous?” Alec asked Jace, covering up his own insecurity in the most unconvincing way by bringing it up first.  
“Which answer do you want to hear?” Jace replied back with a little smirk. He had certainly done this before, but not like this. It didn’t bother him that Alec was a man, that wasn’t it, but this was _Alec_ , and for all the women he’d been with Jace had never really slept with someone he really cared about, someone he _loved_.

“A little, maybe? I don't know.. I don’t want to be the only one freaking out.”

“I am nervous,” Jace admitted easily, none of his presented cockiness stopping him from owning up to the fact like Alec might thought it would, or from reaching for his hand and taking it between his own. “I’m nervous because I love you.”

It wasn’t the answer Alec was expecting, it was _better_. The sincerity in Jace’s tone made something soar inside his chest, the words ones he had heard before from his parabatai but never in this context, never meaning what they did now. Alec felt a lump form in his throat and he had to swallow it down before he could speak, his voice awfully hoarse once he did.   

“I.. I love you too,” he said for the very first time in his life, finally able to speak up without having to lie about what they meant.

Alec had always avoided those words, fearing they would give him away or so would the emotion in his eyes. He wasn’t wrong about that. One look at his glistening hazel eyes and Jace had no doubt as to why his parabatai had never said he loved him before, it simply wasn’t something that could be done without feeling.

 

After that some of the initial awkwardness was gone. Alec’s eyes were still liquid as they kissed, butterflies flying in his stomach as he stumbled back towards Jace’s bed taking his parabatai along with him, but slowly they settled down to give room only to ever-present warmth. They smiled against each other’s lips as they fell back onto the bed.

Alec learned quickly that Jace loved kissing and being kissed. Whenever his lips were unoccupied he would try to capture them, sighing or humming softly against them. He didn’t mind at all – kissing Jace felt better than he’d ever imagined it to. They rolled around on the bed, both of them eager to expose more of the other’s skin, to touch, to taste, to feel.

Slowly the unconscious fear of having to be experienced or skilled in these matters fell away from Alec, leaving behind the pure joy of the moment. This was something they had never done together before, but it was still _them_. It was still Jace, his best friend and parabatai, and nothing in the world could have put Alec more at ease than that certainty.

They moved swiftly from excited and aroused to comfortable to amused and back, but never felt like it wasn’t exactly how it was supposed to be. Even when Jace started laughing heartily at Alec cursing all the way through trying to get him out of his skinny pants it didn’t dampen the mood. It felt good to laugh, to know that this wasn't some solemn ritual, just love, soft and good as it should be.

Their touches were both gentle and longing, their movements led by instinct and feeling more than by conscious thought. Alec’s heart was overflowing with love when he looked at Jace lying beneath him, his cheeks flushed and hot, giving him both a seductive and an innocent look. It was better than anything he’d ever dreamed up, simply because it was _real_. He gasped in surprised when Jace flipped them around, pressing him into the soft pillows. The move itself was familiar to Alec, it was one of Jace’s favorites during their sparring sessions, but tonight it had a very different purpose and it made him blush all the way down to his chest as Jace settled between his bare legs.

“Okay?” Jace asked, the barest hint of nervousness coloring his voice.

“Okay,” Alec echoed back, rough and trusting as he tugged Jace down by the back of the neck into a searing kiss.

It was still awkward, Jace’s fingers were cold and slick, the push of them making Alec gasp just for a second, but it didn’t take long for the foreign feeling to melt into something different, something good, and before he knew it Alec was pushing back. When Jace twists his wrist slightly Alec gasped for a whole different reason and that, that Jace could get used to, his usually composed parabatai falling apart beneath him and looking so _good_ while doing it.

He had always known Alec to be handsome, but he had never thought him to be beautiful, not until then. Being finally united felt like pure bliss, their bodies fitting together as if they’d been made for it. Alec couldn’t tell if it was their bond that was expanding and spreading over him like a wildfire or if that was just what sex was supposed to feel like, but something about Jace’s look told him this wasn’t the norm. It was just them.

All embarrassment or nervousness was forgotten by the time Alec was panting and moaning shamelessly, crying out and cursing under his breath. His body and soul felt like they were on fire, reduced to wanting Jace and calling out his name like a prayer. When he reached his completion and it felt like fireworks exploding behind his closed eyelids and Jace was quick to follow, heart racing to match the frantic pace of Alec’s own, beating as one.

When Alec sank back into the cushions, Jace rolling off of him with a dozy smile on his lips, he felt more satisfied than he ever had before. His heart was beating as if he’d run a marathon but once they were settled comfortably between the sheets it slowly calmed down. There were about a hundred things Alec could have said but not one of them came past his lips. It wasn’t necessary to talk, not when their runes were buzzing with a new-found love and their bond pulsing with an energy neither of them had ever felt before.

Their slow kisses turned into soft nuzzling as they came down from their utter high. It wasn’t long until Jace fell asleep on Alec’s shoulder, an arm laid possessively across his stomach, hand resting over his parabatai rune. Alec didn’t mind it, not one bit, he carded his fingers through messy blond locks and his chest constricted painfully, the best kind of pain he had ever felt. He hadn’t known it was possible to feel this _happy_ , this content with something – he hadn’t thought it was meant for him.

Alec had always known that Jace was enough, that he was all he needed in this world, but he had never thought that he would get to have him.


End file.
